Friendship Bonds & Crack
by Fricti0n
Summary: In which three, sleep-deprived teenagers with no lives co-write crackfic. Warning- so much crack you'll be high for days. Also, really funny smut. Friendship...bonds (or bondage), and crackfic. Written by The Girl in the DarkK, dreamwithinadream262, and Sandafairy.


**We are so sorry**

**Authors Note: Written by three weebs who write the fanfics.  
**

**dreamwithinadream262 brought the feels**

**Sandafairy brought the crack...so much crack, that if you sniffled, you'd be high for weeks.**

**Girl In The Darkk brought the smut and the sexiness**

**Enjoy~**

* * *

"Don't. Touch. Me." Ciel seethed, slapping his butler's round, perfect coconut buttcheek with his dick away in obvious distaste. He Miss Mary Macked it away like a baseball bat to the 29th dimension.

Sebastian narrowed his sexy mofo eyes, observing his sexy-as-hell young master. Look who was being a moody diminutive bitch today. Damn shorty. Why were shorties so angry? Was it just a shorty thing? Did he feel like Edward Elric? He should drink more milk than, maybe he would stop being a little bitch. Maybe he would return back later...when Ciel was feeling better, even though he never felt better because he's a little broody bitch, I mean, he's almost as bad as Sasuke Uchiha. Almost. Better bring that fuck that he wanted to fuck.

"Young Master…" Sebastian started, setting down the tray with his erect nipples with all the sophisticated tea shit the fabulous authors is too lazy to describe. "You're very...bitchy today. More than usual if I may say so myself." Was Ciel on his period? The world may never know. Or perhaps it was just Ciel was always on his period. That explains his attitude all the time.

Ciel didn't answer his booteh call. It was the anniversary of his older parental slave's/bitch's death...a glorious day for celebration (which involved a shit ton of cake and other goodies like lemon pops cause why the fuck not?)...that had changed his broody life forever, and he had gotten fucked hard in the ass. The ground they stood on was the remains of a bright past- shattered..in one instant. That past was gone...but at least one good thing came out of this...tragedy.

He had met Sebastian's ass. In Ciel's eye, because demon contracts were all the rage these days, Sebastian was his constant variable mc to the e squared . The one thing in his life he could count on, that would never change. Everyone had left him, his parents, his wittle puppy-poo who didn't do anything wrong, friends that never existed…. and Madame Reddy-Roo who Vincent had fucked every night, until he had died a fiery death. Unless you counted Elizabeth, but no one wanted her, not even her mother and her criticizing ways.

But Sebastian was always there, no matter how many times Ciel had molested him.

It was comforting, like snuggling with a caterpillar...if you ignored the fact the only reason Sebastian even stayed is because he wanted to devour the Phantomhive's sugary sweet soul but...Ciel tried not to think about that.

All the young earl had wanted was to have Sebastian's dick in his tiny, almost nonexistent asshole that blew away dimensions and to have his sweet baby gravy all over his body...for a short time though. They could bathe together later like the sexy couple they were and have lots of sex in the bath where the servants would be forced to watch the tragic event. ;;;)))))))))))))

On another note- Boku no Pico WAS CIEL'S FAVORITE ANIME, that is now a live action play, had been all the rage these days. Even the Queen recommended it...and everyone knew Victoria was always right even if she was a senile old bitch. she fapped to it every day like the dirty shit she is.

PHANTOMHIVE DAILY MANOR ORGY! EVERYBODY INVITED- EXCEPT ALOIS AND LIZZY AND LAU- YOU LITTLE SHT Tryin' TO STEAL MAH CANDAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY, AND MY BUTLER N' SHIT.

Even the pervy, German girl was allowed to watch the sexy time go down- and she shipped sebaciel hard. Not only was the 21st century obsessed with ships that sailed on the sea, but the 19th century as well.

Everybody who was anybody has a demon contract.

#Contract1889

"Ciel…." The black-haired butler tried again, this time, advancing on his bumbling butt-cheeks like pogo sticks, forward towards his master. Ciel heard the man walk up behind him, but that eternal frown stayed planted on his face. He crossed arms over his gorilla chest of rippled fucking muscles that you wanted to slurp like a cherry flavored slurpee. Wait a second-

"How dare you say my name! At least sing it out." The noble yelled at his butler, standing up. "I didn't give you permission to call me by my fucking birth name! I AM THE DOM IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! YOU ARE MY BITCH."

"That is not what you said last night in bed, my lord." Came the butler's reply, as a sexy devilish smirk adorned his lips.

Well...that didn't actually happen...but Ciel was quite peeved (PEEVES!) that his bootler, whom he'd named after his dipshit dog that didn't even return the goddamn stick, dared to even address him with such...disrespect.

It went a little more like this:

"How dare you say my name!" The noble yelled as much as his girlish, pubescent voice would allow, angrily standing up from his highchair. He looked over to the tray that Sebastian had set down, and with one basketball superstar swoop- porcelain china, and food, rained down on the floor.

Uh-oh spagettios.

THAT HAD TAKEN LIKE...twenty minutes to make with the demon's speed but...There were starving people in India. Imperialism wasn't favored it seemed.

Sebastian inwardly wanted to punch the little shit right then and there, but instead, smiled. He knew the young heir was simply trying to distract himself from a horrible truth. So, instead of dealing with his feelings maturely, Ciel was acting out, towards him.

Humans were certainly...interestingly ignorant creatures.

"Pick it up!" The teen ordered, a satisfied smirk flashing across his face.

Sebastian didn't hesitate, leaning down on the floor. "As you wish…" Asshole, "Bocchan."

Sebastian, you fucking shit. I'mma shit bricks right on this desk and I expect you to clean it up, every last gooey drop! What the hell is taking you forever to clean that mess up. Are you thinking of fucking me in the butt again? Cause I'm having some major anal leakage problems."

Sadly, -demons were not telepathic.

A few minutes passed with Ciel wistfully staring out his study window, like he was in The Great MOTHERFUCKIN' Gatsby (not that the book would be published until another forty years), watching the rain depressingly fall outside. Of course it was raining...like Joker's blood and tears.

Haha...fun memories. You know, Ciel was starting to realize how truly beautiful and messed up his life was. He couldn't even attend a circus like regular citizens, without having horribly tragic memories. It was almost as if someone was planning this...as if they were writing out his life, setting up one bad thing after another on purpose. But who was monstrous enough to do that? That was worse than being a demon! Or even a butler! They could've at least had the decency to put in some ice cream that didn't belong in Sebastian's pants and write in Levi as his butler...wait...wrong story.

Anywhore, was Sebastian still here? It didn't take that long to clean up a mess, not that he'd know anything about cleaning, but still.

Sebastian could vaguely sense he was being unappreciated. He did everything for that kid. I mean, he can't even put on his own clothes! on a regular day- or after sex. So god damn needy, like a small child yearnin' for the D. The Sunny D. Even though homosexuality was banned, Sebastian didn't give a flying frick-frack-patty-wack-dick about the rules. He wanted to be inside the earl.

If he regarded Ciel as a child...didn't that mean he was a pedophile? Fuck it. Well...he was already older than the Phantomhive's parents, grandparents, great-grandparents...basically the whole Phantomhive line at the supermarket, or the funeral parlor. He predated their existence.

Ciel attempted to throw a chair at his butler, as he wasn't satisfied with the speed that Sebastian was picking up his mess. Unfortunately, he wasn't that strong...and the chair kind of just...tipped over, like the Titanic rip-off arc. Minus the sexiness of Undertakers fine ass.

It was amusing and pathetic, but more pathetic because Ciel most likely couldn't even lift a bag of marshmallows. He's completely useless without his fuck buddy, ehm! I mean...butler!

Sebastian almost chuckled, but wore a thoughtful expression instead. "Young master...if you want to accurately succeed in banging your target...you might want to pick it up by the legs." He suggested.

For some reason that reminded him of a nun. The nun he had gotten pregnant that one time. He did enjoy fucking her right in the meow-meow pussy-cat though. It felt great. Maybe that's why it was so enjoyable..she reminded him of a cat.

Sebastian could remember receiving a telegram for court summons- something about child custody, and a strange picture of a sad boy at his lonely first birthday party. He was surrounded by statues of David and a sad woman who looked like she was about to kill a poor soul. Along with one of those drunken creepy clowns who gave little boys "sleepy" juice.

"Maybe we should take this argument somewhere else…," Sebastian replied in a calm tone, noticing the not-so-discreet servants peering into the door. "-like in my bedroom chambers where I can show you the true meaning of...1,000-7."*

"Stop being such a weeb Sebastian." Ciel complained, wearing a irritable frown as he trail-mixed behind his butler. However, his expectations of what was about to happen were very different than what Sebastian's intentions turned out to be.

Well, as they all say...that escalated quickly.

* * *

Ciel was slammed onto the bed, his clothes being ripped off as if a wild animal had broken into the manor and started to strip Ciel violently. Like he was a chicken being prepared for dinner. He wouldn't be surprised if PETA came rushing in for animal abuse.

Sebastian made a low growl as the boys nip-nops were exposed to the cold air, making them point up towards the ceiling. Red eyes trailed down towards Ciel's tiny wing -wang-dingy-dang that were in the same situation the same as his nipples. You could see them from space.

Sebastian wanted to fuck him right here and now, and watch Ciel scream in pleasure or pain- whatever came first.

Not caring anymore, Sebastian ripped off his pants like he was in some kind of swimming anime and popped his large wee-wee into Ciel's tiny butthole, thrusting with all his might. Maybe, he could butterfly stroke his dick into the dark depths of Ciel's butthole, or nah. Maybe his delicate twinkie cream could splash free all over the walls, painting it white.

Hopefully, Nico wouldn't touch the walls.*

He could be like Shrek and catapult through the window in a blaze of sparkling glory after he was finished filling Ciel with his love. The butler knew that he was love, and he was life. Sadly, Sebastian would never be as cool as Shrek-senpai though.

"I can put my steamy wiener in your do-hingy and make it all good?" Sebastian suggested with a sly smirk.

Ciel's face contorted into a pure look of disgust. What murder of the English language!

Sebastian then unzipped his pants, and whipped it his long, erect...hot dog?!

Plot twist Sebastian always had a hotdog as his cock ever since he was born. It was still something he was coming to terms with.

Sebastian then slapped the meat onto an awaiting bun and slammed it in front of Ciel's face. "Open up, here comes the carriage..."

"The carriage that kills my uncle and my aunt's unborn child and turns her into a murderer who rips out women's uteruses?"

"Oui, mon seigneur."

His dick was pushed farther into Ciel's mancave, hearing the gay earl scream happily as if the ice cream truck has just strolled up and he had the exact change for once. Or painfully, but the earl sounded like he was pain even when he was happy...but he was never happy so-

"NOW THIS," The small, restrained (since when did that kinky shit happen?) bluenette raged. "IS NOT A CONTRACT I SIGNED UP FOR!" He thought they'd agreed that he'd always be in control. Now this, was not the time for him to be forgetting their safe word.

Sebastian leaned in closer to the earl's ear, garlicky foul breath blowing against his face. Ciel shivered, from their closeness, and his Butler's awful breath. He was in some serious needs of a breath mint, perhaps he could borrow a doggy treat from Pluto. Oh wait, he's dead like everyone Ciel has ever come to love.

"You neglected to read the Terms and Conditions." The demon explained.

"But! If I read those it'd take forever! I'd die before I finished!" Ciel whined.

"I don't know about that, young master." Even though that'd be beneficial. He'd get to eat the kids soul without being bound to his annoying ass. Even though it wasn't so bad right now.

"It's all ogre now." Sebastian spoke in his ear, filling Ciel up with his love juices. The demon butler/shrek is disguise, pulled out from Ciel and flew out the window, leaving the boy alone to smile happily.

* * *

EXTRAS

* * *

"But Father, I miss you, everyday!" Ciel hollered at the distorted image of his father, sad tears strolling down his face.

Vincent sneered condescendingly down to his child, "I always knew I wanted a daughter, then perhaps she wouldn't be as moody as you."

"But daddy!" Ciel cried further, "Mother said I was always your favorite child."

"Well, she lied! I always wanted another child to replace your girly-lookin' ass, too bad the Queen had to murdle-lurdle us. I mean like seriously, we could've discussed this shit like rational adults over chocolate milk and cookies."

"C-Could I have a cookie?" Ciel sniffled.

"No! You'd burn down the mansion, you can't cook!" Vincent hollered.

"But that was Lizzie's fault!" Ciel responded.

"The only one at fault is you, and our stars." Vincent solemnly responded as he stared longingly towards the ceiling.

"My favorite part was when Augustus fell into the chocolate and drowned." -Cielers

"That was my favorite part too, son, but I still hate you with a burning passion." -Vincentio

* * *

**Author's Notes**

* * *

**So, that was an experience. Maybe You'll join us next time...if there is a next time. Let's hope there isn't, because that means we've hit rock bottom. -dreamwithinadream262**

**If you've made it this far down you've experienced several seizures and have no life. But fear not, we as well don't have lives, thus why this beautiful masterpiece was born out of procrastination! And to think...this started with me attempting to write a yaoi. -Sandafairy**

**I'm so sorry for all the pain we have caused. This was all supposed to be serious (hah), we were going to be happy- but no. This happened and we are now sitting here at 12 in the morning making this. I hope you all enjoy this instead of our actual fanfics. **

**Your Loveable Friend, **

**The Girl In The DarkK**

**And we still have to write the next chapters of our regular fics...**

*** 1,000-7 -Tokyo Ghoul reference**

*** Nico Touches the Walls is an awesome Japanese band. **

**_Dialogue that didn't make it into this chapter._**

"Can Ciel play ball-in-a-cup with his asshole? I believe he can. He's got a friend in him. mad ass skillz, so use to other shit in his ass."

*lights candles* Ciel looked at the burning flamed, then slapped the whore candles, allowing the flames to engulf the curtains along with his home.

*epic sax guy plays in distance for 10 hours and 1.666 minute*


End file.
